much time

yes, much time has passed

way too much. this is embarrassing, in a way, and interesting in only my way.

I would never choose to stop writing. Given the opportunity i would live off writing, but no one asked me. Not yet anyway. So, I just let it sit there, gathering dust and withering away along with a lot of other interests in my life. Music, RPG, board games, cosplaying, dating and drinking. I loved doing all those things, but now I can barely think of a moment to do any of these things. I guess it’s just life’s way of saying: you choose your own poison. I could go on to talk about how life has forced me into not writing because of my hours at work, but the reality is that i have been making choices in my life that have slowly pushed me away from this solitary craft.

I know some people may disagree with me on this one, but i do consider writing a very lonesome activity. not to say that one needs to be lonely to write or write well, but there is no one helping me come up with the words. someone may help me edit the words, choose better ideas to expose and even some images or videos and sounds to go with the text, but in the initial setup for this particular craft there is no one holding my hand. Do i dislike it? Not at all. I love it, actually. It’s one of the few times i actually manage to center myself on myself and my ideas. no other time allows me that freedom of looking within myself. All that is sweet and dandy, but only half-true.

The truth is, my life has not been my own for year now and I chose it like that, at first. Now it’s just straight gone because I offer more and more of myself everywhere I go, except to myself. And I want to change that. and yet, i sit with my computer on, watching House M.D. on the desktop and browsing Amazon for stickers to plaster all over my brand new laptop (a very nice chromebook that i have been using for everything except for fun).

i don’t really know how or where to start from. it’s a complicated thing. it’s a hard thing. it’s painful because so many people are going to get hurt, I think.

So i just write. I do what i did many times before: i scratch and crawl my way back into the world of the writers. i watch movies, i play games, i go back to old habits and maybe i try to come up with new habits. It’s what I’ve always done, it’s what i’ll always do.

So, hopefully, this will not be an empty post. This will not be a shout into the void that is as empty as the void itself. I hope that this is another part of my path to what I hope is a better version of myself.