As life goes on, so does the story I am writing.
November was, from many points of view, a nightmare. Real life and the horrors of society are eating away at me while I try to quench the flames that consume me. Meanwhile, my project seem to take shape, most of them. I somehow find the energy and time and focus (very important) to do all of it.
I thank whatever energy is inside me for this incredible resilience. I would have given up on everything several times over had this happened years ago. Today, I feel that everything that is happening, the good and the bad, are meaningless in the grand scheme of things (there is no scheme, actually). What is there is the moment and the feeling of happiness. We live for them, do we not?
I spent this past week trying to survive by a thread on everything. I feel like at any moment people are going to start trying to kill me for what I have not done yet. Like someone is watching me all the time. The paranoia comes when things are dark. But in all that darkness, there is light. It is not only my own light, but also of those around me.
I have had a lot of help the past few days, a lot of generosity and a lot of opportunities were given to me. I am taking them and trying to do my best to accomplish my goals. Maybe I am too lazy to actually make an effort, but I believe that if something is an effort, it is not what you want. What you want is no effort at all.
Writing has been no effort this NaNoWriMo. It has come easily, it flows constantly and even when I skip days, I manage to recover them on the next without breaking a sweat. This story, whatever it is becoming, is by far my most intense one yet and I am sure I will give it the attention it deserves.
The story is following a road towards uncertainty, a road of mystery, a road of lies and half-truths, like any good cyberpunk. The main character is blind to the schemes of the opposing forces, but the protagonist makes his own schemes, manipulating those around him, making sure he has what he needs for his own personal agenda.
For that, I think this is a different type of cyberpunk. Usually, analyzing other stories, it is all desperate, ignorant and blind. The character’s drive are usually fear, desire for their own growth, revenge. This is something else. This is a case of “what has to be done”. Much like the drive of the protagonist, this is the same drive for me. And that is enough to make anything. “It must be done, so do it properly.”
Hopefully these words will not fall on deaf ears, so listen up: I am afraid of tomorrow, in all senses. I am afraid of the unknown, but I am also relaxed about the fact that even if I make a mistake, the only thing that is going to happen is insignificant in the big picture. So, take a breath and remember, we are all insignificant. None of us are special. No one matter and no one counts. But that is the best possible reason to live well, to live honest and to live fair.